THE Hot Gift for Christmas 2011

You know I love you guys and I don’t want you to be left out in the cold when this new item hits the shelves, so I’m telling you about it now.  Go ahead and add yourselves to the waiting list, and reserve several.  What is it?  The Translator Muzzle.  I identified the need for this bit of technology the other day at work.  My boss called and relayed a request from a physician that I thought was a tad bit unreasonable.  Since I’m a wee bit on edge what with the weather being horrific, the company I work for being in the middle of a transition to a new owner, one full year of moderate-to-severe neck pain, and welts covering my body from a mystery rash, I replied, “NO F*&^%ing way!  Tell him he can KISS MY A#$!”  My boss, being a truly considerate person, translated this into something along the lines of, “Doctor, sir, Angie would love to help you out, but there’s just no possible way she can fit that into her schedule today.” Or something equally appropriate and respectful.  Therefore, I still have a job.  See how this works?  Since not everyone has someone like my boss to run interference for them, I am in the process of perfecting the Translator Muzzle.

It fits comfortably over one’s nose and mouth and comes in several fashion colors, or can be matched to your flesh tone to appear less obtrusive.  The situations in which this device proves useful are numerous – let me give you just a few examples:

Social situations:

“That getup looks like it should be on a ‘ho about three sizes smaller than you!” becomes “What a lovely outfit.  That color certainly becomes you!”

Parenting situations:

“”GET OFF ME!  Jesus Christ, can I not even go to the bathroom without you pawing at me and whining?” becomes “Sweetheart, Mommy needs a little private time right now.  Use your big boy words and we’ll read a book together when I come out!”

Marital situations:

“Did you mother drop you on your head as a baby?  How in the HELL can you not know how to do laundry after fifteen years of marriage?” becomes “Thank you so much for helping out around the house.   I really appreciate it, and I’ll show you JUST how much later!”

In the car:

“You stupid M*&^%R  F@#$%R!!”  becomes “Have a nice day!”

And the most popular use of the Translator Muzzle at work: “You are a complete and total idiot.” becomes “What an interesting idea.”

I’m just perfecting the last details before we go into production (like how to make it work), so don’t wait!  Reserve yours today!  And post in the comments section what situation YOU feel is the best test of the Translator Muzzle‘s abilities, and you may win a starring role in our upcoming infomercial!

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14 thoughts on “THE Hot Gift for Christmas 2011”

  1. Please could we speed up production of these. I will take four in multi-colors of winter, summer, spring and fall. Heaven knows I need to wear it all the time. I can not give you an example because the whole family reads your blog, and we know how paranoid some of them are. Fabulous idea! You will be sold out in a week.

  2. I so desperately need one of those, especially the extra-super-duper parenting situations one. Cost is no factor. It’s bound to be cheaper than the inevitable therapy I will be paying for for my kids in years to come.

  3. Hilarious! I know some people that could use this. Or maybe a muzzle that changes complaints into positive comments. I definitely know some people that could use one of those.

  4. All right …. you could have at least warned me that I ‘may’ have been the inspiration for the parenting version …. since those exact words ‘may’ have come out of my mouth during a phone conversation with you.

    And, I LOVE John’s British accent ……

  5. The Marital Solution was AWESOME. I thought I was the only one with a husband who, after living in the same house with me for eight years, still doesn’t know where things go. Things as in…wooden spoons or the kids’ hats.

    1. My husband is still clueless after almost TWENTY-FIVE years! (I used a smaller number in the post so he wouldn’t realize I was talking about him and be offended . . . and it worked.)

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