Real Housewives of Kentucky

Don’t miss the season premier Tuesday at 9:00 (10:00 Central).  Meet the Housewives you’ve been waiting for!

New on Bravo: Real Housewives of Kentucky

Dianna (Quick clip of a curvy brunette with a bright smile posing in scrubs.  In the background are her handsome hubby, semi-goth teen daughter, impish kindergartner with blond ringlets, and adorable twin three-year-old ruffians chasing the family Weimaraner in circles around everyone else.)

and

M.J. (Quick clip of a serious-looking petite brunette in glasses and running gear.  As she turns and poses you glimpse a small cape pinned to the back of her tank top which coordinates with the super-hero costumes her two rambunctious boys are wearing in the background.  They battle it out while their father looks on with an amused yet disbelieving grin.)

(Cut to Dianna and M.J. running in a beautiful hilly park)

Dianna: “I’m running longer, I’m running faster, but I’m not losing any weight.  In fact, I think my butt looks bigger.  Do you think my butt looks bigger?  I know it’s bigger, because I’ve had to buy all new shorts this summer!  Of course Brett keeps telling me how great I look.  How am I supposed to practice Natural Family Planning when he’s ogling my butt all the time?”

(shot of Dianna’s rear view while running.  Cameraman is obviously heterosexual.)

M.J.: “I don’t know about the whole butt thing, I’m just hoping all ten of my toenails don’t turn black and fall off before I finish training for this next race.  Is it so much to ask to be able to buy good running shoes in my size?”

(close-up shot of M.J.’s feet, clad in teeny-tiny running shoes with purple sparkly flowers)

Dianna: “I think we need to set a goal and really challenge ourselves.  How about a triathlon?  Not just any triathlon, but the IronMan in Hawaii!  Are you in?”

M.J.: “I am so in!  That’s gonna be a long redneck playlist, though!”  (high-five)

 

Beverly (Quick clip of a slender, fashionable dressed older woman with a smooth blond bob leaning against a plank fence.  She has a cigarette in one hand and a cocktail in the other.  In the background, two Yorkies in crystal-studded collars dance around the hooves of a pair of donkeys while a sullen forty-year-old nephew in a NASCAR T-shirt glares at the camera.)

(wide shot of lovely old brick country church, with Beverly entering through side door.  switch to shot of her entering small church office, with youngish, bearded minister behind the desk)

Minister (smiling):  “Beverly, what can I do for you?  It certainly made me curious when you called for an appointment.”

Beverly: “It’s about church business.  There are some changes I think need to be made to bring more young people into the congregation.”

Minister: “Are you talking about the church auction?  Because that hasn’t changed in decades.  I just don’t think allowing online bids will sit well with most people.  Oh, maybe you mean the Christian Women’s Fellowship!  Yes, we’d love to attract more young women to those meetings, as well as to the Wednesday bible study.  I thought my discussion on Sexuality and the Bible last week might have pointed us in the right direction, but I didn’t anticipate the effect the city-wide shortage of hearing-aid batteries would have.”  (shakes head sadly)

Beverly: “No, that’s not it at all.  I think we need to actively recruit new members for the church.  And we need to start with bringing in more gay men.  If we’re welcoming they won’t hesitate to make the drive out from town.  There simply aren’t enough gay-friendly churches in this part of the country.  And the auction, the CWF meetings, and the bible study group will all get more lively with the influx of new ideas.  Not to mention the funeral food committee – I really need some help there.  We are having Velveeta and Cream of Mushroom overload and I think this might just turn things around!”

(close-up of minister’s pale, sweat-beaded, slack-jawed face)

 

Angie (Quick clip of a heavy-set, wild-haired, middle-aged woman in pajamas.  In the background are her laughing husband, her handsome, blond, college-age son, and her awkward yet adorable twelve-year-old boy.  Two huge brown dogs gallop towards the camera, one of them howling at the top of his lungs, and the clip ends.)

(shot of Angie curled on a huge brown sofa, reading a book on her Kindle.  front door opens and Michael enters.  dogs go wild.)

Angie: “Hi, sweetheart!  Supper will be ready in a few minutes.”

Michael:  “Sounds good.  Where are the boys?”

Angie: “I sent them to the grocery to pick up a few things.  I wanted to talk to you about something before they get back.  I just can’t stop thinking about that sweet baby at the party the other day.  Don’t you miss having a baby in the house?”

Michael: “He was great, but the best part was giving him back when it was time to go home.”

Angie: “But didn’t he smell wonderful?  And that sweet smile!  This could be our last chance to have another baby!”

(Aaron and John walk in just in time to hear their mother’s last sentence, and Michael, Aaron, and John stand in a row with identical expressions of disbelief and mild disgust on their faces.)

 

This post was inspired by my escalating addiction to reality TV and a Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop prompt that read: “Write a dramatic synopsis of a day in your life as if it was a movie or TV series.”

disclaimer:  You’ve heard the quote “It’s better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission”, right?  Well, I didn’t ask permission of anyone before I included them in this post, so now I’m begging for forgiveness if I offended my fellow Housewives.  And if Bravo contacts any of you, remember, it was MY idea!

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13 thoughts on “Real Housewives of Kentucky”

  1. This would be a sure hit! How did you know how my conversations with Scott usually go? I hope everyone in the church reads this. You really are better than any reality show I’ve ever watched.

  2. I hope to read further installments of this series right here on this blog. This might even get me to turn on my television!

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