February is my least favorite month. Always has been. Yes, it’s the shortest month, but it always manages to pack a lot of punch.
I grieved a lot this February. I grieved the loss of friendships. I thought I winnowed out long ago all the people who were only my friends when they needed something from me, or when they could use me. Sadly, I’m more naive than I thought I was. On the other hand, I enjoy doing things for other people, and I’m so out-of-the-loop socially that I often don’t even know when someone uses me as a scapegoat in their own manipulations. That part doesn’t bother me so much. Anyone who really knows me is well aware of what I would or would not say or do. If they don’t know me that well then their opinion of me is irrelevant.
But it still hurts when someone you care about, someone you’ve prayed for and lost sleep over suddenly becomes a person you’re unable to trust. There are many, many things I can forgive. But I’m not stupid, and I don’t quickly forgive wrongs done to me or my immediate family. There are times that trust needs to be earned.
Winter is always hard for me. Even with my Happy Light every single morning it’s hard. I had a psychiatrist appointment in February, and after I’d sat in his uncomfortable waiting room chairs for TWO HOURS, without my pain meds because they weren’t due any time near my appointment (but were, by then, past due) he opened the door and called me back. The waiting room was stuffed with patients, all waiting for him, many with chronic pain issues similar to mine. We’d all had time to chat. I stumbled to my feet, raised my hands, and shouted, “Hallelujah!” No, not the most subtle approach. And it earned me not a promise to be more prompt, but an increase in my anti-depressant dosage and a quicker follow-up appointment. Which he will, again, be late for. And I will, again, be in pain for.
I also saw a new Internal Medicine doctor in February. My current insurance refuses to cover the physician who’s been seeing me since 1988, so I had to pick a new one. Thankfully, he’s a physician I know and like. Unfortunately, he is not comfortable writing the pain medications I have been on since 2009. So I can wait 6-8 months for a new patient appointment at a pain management office downtown (where I know no one and am not at all comfortable driving with my severely limited range of motion in my neck) or I can keep paying 100% out-of-pocket to my out-of-network doctor who has known me for years. I’m just trying to keep a roof over our heads and the lights and water on and the insurance companies play these nonsensical games. It’s an evil thought, but I’d like just one of the insurance people to feel the pain I feel – just for one day.
So I suppose this February has taught me to love those people who love me as I am – not for what I can do for them, or what use they have for me. The high points? A wonderful baby shower for my eldest niece, and a surprise fiftieth birthday party for a friend – they were spectacular!!
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