Category Archives: Creative Writing

Ten Reasons I can’t Be a ‘Real Housewife’

Thanks, Kathy! I’ve been getting back in the habit of checking Mama Kat’s Writers’ Workshop every week for prompts. It’s great if you’re having a bit of blogger’s block, and I love reading what other people create using the same prompt I chose. This week I’m explaining why I can’t be one of the Real Housewives. I’ve tried all the others and couldn’t tolerate them for long, but I’ve seen every single episode of the original Bravo series: The Real Housewives of Orange County.

— 1 —

False eyelashes – they’re not just for drag queens anymore! But they’re not for me, either.  I wear glasses all the time, so doing anything other than some individual lashes at the corners wouldn’t work. And my tremor is better some days than others, but even on my best day I’d end up looking like there was some sort of insect on my eyelid. Attention-getting, but not in a good way. These women wear full make-up and hair 24/7 (at least while they’re filming). Although I will put on some blush, lipstick, and mascara if I’m trying to make a good impression I just don’t do the full-face makeup thing. I use Nerium, so my skin looks good enough to just wash my face and go. And I like that!

— 2 —

 Then there’s my hair. Most of the conversations these women have with their husbands or boyfriends seem to occur while they’re doing something to their hair. Straightening it, curling it, putting it in hot rollers, teasing it – whatever. My hands go numb when I put them above my head (another little leftover from my multiple neurosurgeries) so my hair’s usually up in a clip. If I want to look especially nice I put it up in a sock bun when it’s mostly dry and then take it down the next day and pull it back with – wait for it – a banana clip! Remember those from the 80’s? Yep, I have them and I wear them in public. I searched YouTube the other day for some “easy updos for fine hair”. My definition of easy is worlds away from what these vloggers think is easy. Lots of products, lots of teasing, four double-jointed arms, and one pound of bobby pins for the easiest. Maybe my banana clip will start a new trend.

— 3 —

My husband and my son both love me and are super-sweet to me. They take care of everything I can’t (which is pretty much everything!) Laundry, cleaning, cooking, dishes, shopping, yardwork. And there are no fights, no teen rebellion. John’s so funny he could probably have his own reality show, though. I never know what he’s going to say or do next! And my dogs are not your standard reality show purse dogs. Sam is one hundred pounds of beautiful chocolate lab, and would be sure to steal every scene. She does think the world revolves around her, so she might fit in pretty well. Boss, on the other hand, might bite a cameraman. Not in a bad-dog way, just in a scared, protecting-his-family way.

— 4 —

There would be no browsing the boutiques buying baubles at the jewelry store. The cameras could follow me to my favorite Goodwill locations, and maybe as a special treat I’d drop by my fave consignment shop. That’s a rarity, though.

— 5 —

If they really wanted reality I’d be in jammies 90% of the time. Old, raggedy jammies. Christmas jammies in the summer. Jammies with safety pins replacing missing buttons. ‘Cause that’s how I roll at home. And fuzzy pocks. Probably ones with holes in them because John borrowed them.

— 6 —

Oh, and the house. I do have a lovely granite countertop in my kitchen, and beautiful custom-made cabinets. But the countertop is covered in dirty dishes and the cabinets have fingerprints all over them.  The rest of the house is a mess, and there is no way they could film in my bedroom (where I spend large portions of my day lying on my bed with an ice-pack on my back or neck) because all the floor space is taken up by a dog bed and boxes of clothes that don’t fit. No room for cameras. Oh, and that huge white orchid that was in the background at everyone’s house last season – did you think we wouldn’t notice it was the same plant? I have a perfectly nice pink one of my own. It’s not big enough to hide the dirty dishes, but perhaps it can be a distraction.

— 7 —

Every single household has the same wine bottle opener, too. I don’t need one of those. My wine comes in a box. And “champs”, as Heather calls it – well, there has not been a lot to celebrate around here lately, but feel free to drop off a case! And some truffles, too.

— 8 —

I know Vicky gets all touchy if anyone else dares say they have a career, because she has to be acknowledged as the hardest-working Housewife or else things get a bit cray-cray. So I’m sure she’d be fine with my being disabled after working twenty years as a nurse, and would not begrudge Michael and me our little side business with Nerium. Unless we won a car or a trip or something. Then she might decide she hates me for that season.

— 9 —

Come to think of it, Vicky may also be upset that we have the same cookie jar. I’ve noticed it several times in her kitchen, and it cracks me up! Of course I bought mine on the clearance rack because it was broken, but I had a wild toddler at the time so buying things pre-broken only made sense ;)
rooster

— 10 —

I think the deal-breaker that would keep me off a Real Housewives show, though, is that I have hit my lifetime maximum of bullshit and drama much earlier than most people. You’re either my friend or you’re not. I don’t worry about what other people think about me unless it’s someone whose opinion I hold in high regard and who knows me well. And although my life is pretty nearly an open book things that would embarrass or humiliate my husband or my son are not “common knowledge” as a family member recently suggested when I asked him to stop gossiping about us.

So I don’t suppose you’ll be seeing me starring in a new Bravo series anytime soon, which is a shame because I’d love to show up in jammies to chat with Andy Cohen post-show ;)

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The Statue of Liberty Isn’t That Big

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— 1 —

I didn’t do this last week, so you get a full two weeks’ worth today! John went on his band’s trip to New York (thanks to all those who helped financially – he’s still working on his notes and calls) and had a great time. But I have no pictures. Why? Because, as he put it, “Everything we saw you can look up on Google.” I admitted that yes, that was the case, but I wanted pictures of him and his friends at those places. “Then Photoshop us in,” he replied. He’s still alive . . . for now.

— 2 —

 I did get to FaceTime with him once, from the base of the Statue of Liberty, which he said really wasn’t that big. Why both of my sons insist on Facetiming with me when I look like the wrath of God I don’t understand. A man invented FaceTime, I guarantee it.

— 3 —

The buses they took there and back had wifi, so all the teens wouldn’t get twitchy. One parent was complaining rather extravagantly about how bad it was to be on the “drumline bus”, how he was going to “add to his stick collection”, and so on. I let it go for a while, then I posted.

Angie Ballard I married a Waggener HS snare drummer; gave birth to a Ballard HS bass, snare, quad drummer and Morehead quad drummer, and my youngest is on that bus, tapping on something. Every surface in our house is tapped on regularly, including the dogs (they like tummy triplets). Drumming sounds like home to me, and I love it when the drumline comes over! If my spinal column could take the trip I would be THRILLED to take your place on the “drumline bus” Jim Daniel.

I got three Likes and he didn’t post any more complaints.

— 4 —

It’s been raining here for two weeks straight. Roads are washed out, homes and businesses are flooded. But my neighbor is still mowing his grass every other day. He mowed one day through a downpour. He did go inside when it started to hail, though. It’s gonna be a long summer.

— 5 —

I went out to dinner with friends the other day at KT’s. In case anyone else in Louisville didn’t know, they have been bought out and will be shutting down and turning into a steak place in early May. The menu has already changed, but it’s still good. Go while you can.

— 6 —

I want to draw attention to my friend Kerri’s recent posts on Obstinate Hope. We’re supposed to be sharing blogging duties, but she’s obviously carrying me. Her Easter post is wonderful, but her Velveteen Rabbit post put into words things I’ve felt for a long time, but couldn’t pin down. She’s a marvelous writer – truly blessed!

— 7 —

Gotta go now – I get to go babysit!! I hate that it takes a friend of mine getting sick for me to get some baby snuggles, but I’ll take them whenever I can get them!!

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain’t The Lyceum!

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My Own March Madness

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— 1 —

I spent last weekend at my mom’s in Lexington, leaving my husband and son stranded at home without transportation. They promptly turned it into a party with a bunch of John’s band friends sleeping over and playing computer games until the wee hours of the morning.

— 2 —

 I, on the other hand, got to spend time with my mom and step-dad, and have dinner with my step-brother and his family. His little girl is simply adorable. We were in a packed restaurant, and every table this toddler walked past suddenly went silent. They stopped eating and just stared at her with goofy grins on their faces. She’s that cute. And to push me into cuteness overload there were two adorable puppies at the Nerium party Sunday! One golden-doodle ( I’ve been nursing a bad case of doodle fever for a while now) and a Saint Bernard puppy so new he still had puppy breath! My husband had to talk me out of my tree when I got home, because I was totally ready to go over our two-dog limit!

— 3 —

It’s been many years since I lived in Lexington, and I’d forgotten one of the cardinal rules: Make no plans during March Madness, or if you must, then plan then around the Kentucky games. The whole tournament in Lexington is like Derby Week here in Louisville!

— 4 —

My good friend Kerri and I talked on the phone for the very first time this week! We’ve been close friends for years, but have never met in real life, and probably won’t since we met because we both have chronic health conditions. We’d been part of a team of writers on a spiritual blog, but the blog owner unexpectedly decided to go solo, so we decided to launch our own blog, Obstinate Hope, because we both felt the need to have an outlet other than our personal blogs for our exclusively spiritual posts. We’re just getting started, so drop by and say Hi when you can!

— 5 —

Another friend’s father passed away this week after a very long, very intense battle with cancer. She and her family are, of course, drained in every aspect of the word. Please keep Laurie in your prayers as she and her family mourn and begin re-building their lives.

— 6 —

You may have noticed pictures on Instagram, Twitter, or FaceBook with the hashtag #happyacts. All that was leading up to today, the International Day of Happiness. LiveHappy is a company created by Nerium. Why? Because evidently it wasn’t enough to help people have healthier, more beautiful skin; to give them a chance at financial freedom; to give 30% of their profits to cancer research; and to donate over a million dollars a year to Big Brothers/Big Sisters. They want everyone to be happy, too. I adore their magazine – it’s one of the smaller perks of being a Brand Partner, but one of my personal favorites. Check out LiveHappy‘s site to learn more about today’s festivities!

— 7 —

And I know you’re probably just sick of me gushing about how much I love Nerium, what a wonderful group of people they are, and how incredible it is to be part of what they’re doing, but get used to it! The popularity of Nerium is spreading like wildfire (because it works and it’s easy!) and I don’t want anyone to miss the boat. Contact me via the little email icon in the upper right corner, take a look at the products, prices, and special offers for new Brand Partners through the link in my footer. Satisfy your curiosity, because this could be your Microsoft moment!

For more Quick Takes, visit This Ain’t The Lyceum!

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