Category Archives: John

Angie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad . . . Couple of Weeks

 

It’s kinda funny. I put this title in my Drafts box with a few reminders about a doc visit gone wrong when the car I’d borrowed died as I coasted into a parking space, but I couldn’t get the doors to open. I climbed out the driver’s side window (SUV, mind you) and ended up with enough road rash to impress a cycling enthusiast. I got cleaned and patched up by the office staff, had my visit, then called to ask my husband or son to come get me. I sat on a concrete floor against a wall, watching out the window of the office building, for two hours. It was a crappy day, but no one’s fault. That was months ago.

The last couple of weeks have been tough. Not even anything I can get my head around yet, but these are some of the quotes and images from Pinterest that I think explain it best.

(Many thanks to Mrs. Welches. Another of my Pinterest quotes is from her as well, as you’ll see). I need to hunt her down online and thank her for her words. They speak to my soul.

 

Yeah, I had dreams. Just plans, really. Nothing outrageous. But my body says, “No flippin’ way, lady!”

 

I’m fat because even sitting upright is painful. And my surgeon gets upset because I’m not getting all the protein I need. But I’m just really never hungry. (Except after seeing a DQ biscuits-and-gravy commercial – but I rarely watch TV). But I know for a fact people look at me and think, “fat.”

 

Yeah, I REALLY do.

 

I don’t even like me most of the time.

 

Sad, but true.

But my youngest is at the beach, putting his toes in the sand and having all the fun a 19yo can possibly have (with his best friend Adam and his family, of course!) and my eldest is awaiting the arrival of his second child, comfortable in the knowledge that Emma’s Grandma is there to take care of her (and grand-dog Tabby) when this baby boy decides to arrive. My boys are happy, and that’s no small thing. It’s a HUGE thing, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. The next couple of weeks are going to be wonderful!

 

Smoothie for YOUR Needs!

 

I received compensation from Bayer Consumer Health, makers of MiraLAX® to write this post. MiraLAX® is a laxative used to treat occasional constipation. All opinions are entirely my own. #ReliefMadeEasy #CollectiveBias

I was a Cardiology nurse for over twenty years. That means very low fat, vegetarian if you can do it. But I’ve seen all the diets (I refuse to call them ‘fads’ because they work for some folks) come and go. The Zone, Adkins, Keto, Gluten-Free, Vegan, Lactose-Free, whatever. But the words of a now-retired Cardiologist always ring in my ears when I hear about something wonderful, new, and healthy: “All things in moderation.”

That said, here’s a recipe everyone can modify for their own needs. Smoothies are great if you’re in a rush in the morning, but they’re also a great option if you aren’t able to take a lunch break (Hello, fellow, nurses!) or if you’re a parent shuffling between rehearsals, practices, meetings, study sessions, and whatever else. I don’t have that option since I must take in sixty grams of protein a day or I risk my hair falling out! How’s that for motivation? YIKES!


(Pardon my crappy photo-shopping – but you get the idea!)

So let’s down to business: I need a different smoothie Every. Single. Day. Some days I know I haven’t had enough protein, and I need to boost that. Some days I’m constipated (let’s just be real here) and I need something that won’t keep me in the bathroom all day. Some days I just feel queasy and need something tasty, tummy-calming, nutritious, and small.

So I read up a bit, and decided on a grocery list. I was going to Kroger – my usual stop at the end of my street – so I checked to see if there were any coupons to be printed. JACKPOT! (And this link is good everywhere, on any MiraLAX® product y’all!)

I already had some of my go-to smoothie items at home, so this is what ended up in my cart (plus some glucosamine for my elderly dog and husband. Husband and dog, I mean):


Now, not to tell my guys’ secrets, but fast food is not good for the gut. #justsayin  Nor is my lifestyle or most of my meds *sigh*.  So if you want to have something safe and easy to use for that occasional constipation we all experience now and then for whatever reason HERE is what y’all need: MiraLAX®


If you haven’t bought this before this is the aisle where you’ll find it:

Odds are, it won’t be far from the pharmacy.

If it is, or if you’re unsure if it’s safe for you to take with your prescription medications, ask the Pharmacy folks. They are your besties for not only your prescriptions meds, but for the non-prescription ones as well. #LOVEKrogerPharmacists They worked long and hard for their degrees, so they truly appreciate honest questions. Such as, “Is there a difference between the dosage of the MiraLAX® Mix-In Pax and the regular MiraLAX®?” Answer: “NO.” So put it in your morning shake, tuck in your messenger bag, whatever suits you best.

Once I got home, this is what I put together for my shake:

Here’s my recipe:

  • one cup vanilla yogurt
  • one medium banana (as brown as possible) – sliced
  • 1/4 serving chocolate protein drink (more if you’re a chocolate addict)
  • 1 Tbsp peanut powder (optional – I’m a PB addict)

Tip: You can add MiraLAX® for relief for occasional constipation.

Blend in a blender, shake in a big cup, do whatever you would do to get a smoothie. Some people like ice. I prefer not because it makes my teeth hurts and makes me grumpy. If you’re grumpy even without the ice add cooled coffee. Or your physician-prescribed morning meds. #justsayin.

NUTRITION INFORMATION:

  • Calories: 295 (WHAT?!)
  • Grams fat: 3.5 (WTCardiology?)
  • Grams PROTEIN *drumroll*: 21 (mic drop)
  • Grams carbs: 41 (from yogurt and banana)

printable version

I don’t often use my big blender because I’m lazy and it takes up too much space in the dishwasher. #lazybutt So I use this small one. But once it’s all said and done and I screw on the cover for drinking (as if I’ve never drunk out of a Mason jar before – LOL!) This is what it looks like:

Now this is scrumptious stuff, so why would you want to drink it out of plastic? Put in something pretty and garnish it!

OK, full disclosure here. I hadn’t planned a garnish. But there was more in the plastic container than would fit attractively in the glass, so I drank it. And it was WAY yummy! And that made me want more so I scrounged around in the banana peel. Since I’d peeled it from the bottom (like monkeys do) there were none of those little strings – ICK! There was just one perfect little slice. GARNISH!

So this summer keep your options open. Smoothies are super-easy and can be pre-prepped and put in zip-locks before blending. There are lots of yummy ripe fruits, plenty of non-dairy options for yogurt or milk, and a handy option for those “oh, bleh” days. WATERMELON! Does anyone else see a watermelon smoothie in their near future? #OHYEAH

Put a pack or two into your spouse’s laptop bag. Sneak a few of the Mix-In packets into your young adult’s first-aid kit before they return to college. They’ll be thankful, but they probably won’t tell you. #parentlife And since MiraLAX® isn’t a stimulant laxative that works by forcefully stimulating the nerves in the colon #majorICK there will be no rushing out of an important meeting/class or scampering to the restroom on the far side of the store/office. Just follow the directions on the bottle or box/packet  (i.e. Use only once a day and for no more than seven days in a row) and you’ll be, um . . . #GOODTOGO. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself!

 

 

Changing My Vocabulary

Back in the day I used to say things like, “That’s an interesting idea” or “I’ll send out a memo on that” or even “I’d never considered it from that perspective – thank you.”

We all know what the above phrases mean. Since I can’t work anymore I usually cut straight to the the TRUE meanings. You know! “Are the drugs in the coffee? If so you should share” or “You’re a douche-canoe and I’m never letting that idea out of this room” and my favorite “So that’s what the shitweasles think. Good to know.”

Sadly, the only people I interact with regularly these days are my husband and youngest son (while he’s home from college – sure he’s #countingthedays). They are in agreement that I need to change certain (read: MANY) of my behaviors and word choices. Perhaps I’m corrupting the dogs. Probably not though since Saminda’s half-deaf and Boss is a rescue who’s happy as long as I tell him he’s GOOD shitweasle.

Anyway, I’m trying to be quiet, calm, agreeable, non-questioning, and mildly pleasant. Trying to limit my interaction on FB and Quora. My docs are hashing out my med combinations, but those fucktards can’t agree on what the color red looks like.

So I’m looking for family-friendly substitutions for my usual nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositional phrases, gerund phrases (really need help there) and so forth. I remember my mom saying things like ‘sugar’, ‘fudge’, and ‘God bless a milk cow’. That one confused me since we raised beef cattle, not dairy cows.

Yesterday I tried out “Fudgesicle”, then “sticky Fudgesicle wrapper”. My husband just went to the grocery. The usual ones like crap, shoot, and darn just aren’t working for me. I might as well keep my mouth shut. And although that’s a wonderful goal it’s not in my near future.

So what are your go-to fake swear words, people? What do you say when someone cuts you off in traffic? When you’ve been holding for thirty minutes about an important call and get hung up on? When your doc is running TWO HOURS late and you’re now in so much pain you can hardly string words together, let alone hobble to your car and drive across town to get back home?

Needin’ some help here, peeps. “Fudgesicle” is all I’ve got so far. And he bought the sugar-free kind that give me horrific headaches. *sigh*

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