Back in the day I used to say things like, “That’s an interesting idea” or “I’ll send out a memo on that” or even “I’d never considered it from that perspective – thank you.”
We all know what the above phrases mean. Since I can’t work anymore I usually cut straight to the the TRUE meanings. You know! “Are the drugs in the coffee? If so you should share” or “You’re a douche-canoe and I’m never letting that idea out of this room” and my favorite “So that’s what the shitweasles think. Good to know.”
Sadly, the only people I interact with regularly these days are my husband and youngest son (while he’s home from college – sure he’s #countingthedays). They are in agreement that I need to change certain (read: MANY) of my behaviors and word choices. Perhaps I’m corrupting the dogs. Probably not though since Saminda’s half-deaf and Boss is a rescue who’s happy as long as I tell him he’s GOOD shitweasle.
Anyway, I’m trying to be quiet, calm, agreeable, non-questioning, and mildly pleasant. Trying to limit my interaction on FB and Quora. My docs are hashing out my med combinations, but those fucktards can’t agree on what the color red looks like.
So I’m looking for family-friendly substitutions for my usual nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositional phrases, gerund phrases (really need help there) and so forth. I remember my mom saying things like ‘sugar’, ‘fudge’, and ‘God bless a milk cow’. That one confused me since we raised beef cattle, not dairy cows.
Yesterday I tried out “Fudgesicle”, then “sticky Fudgesicle wrapper”. My husband just went to the grocery. The usual ones like crap, shoot, and darn just aren’t working for me. I might as well keep my mouth shut. And although that’s a wonderful goal it’s not in my near future.
So what are your go-to fake swear words, people? What do you say when someone cuts you off in traffic? When you’ve been holding for thirty minutes about an important call and get hung up on? When your doc is running TWO HOURS late and you’re now in so much pain you can hardly string words together, let alone hobble to your car and drive across town to get back home?
Needin’ some help here, peeps. “Fudgesicle” is all I’ve got so far. And he bought the sugar-free kind that give me horrific headaches. *sigh*