Ever wish you could be in charge of the world? Just for a day? Well, today’s my day. Of course, I’ll spend most of my day eradicating diseases and solving problems like world hunger and illiteracy. But I wanted to explain some of other changes you might notice as the day progresses.
There are now only three seasons: Spring, Mild Summer, and Fall. If you want snow you’re going to have to travel to Colorado or Alaska. Get over it.
The snakes and the squirrels are gone. And don’t start yapping about the delicately balanced ecosystem or disruption of the food chain. Everything worked out just fine when the dinosaurs died off, now didn’t it?
Obesity is no longer a problem in the United States . . . unless you’re a jerk. You have probably noticed already today that with every kind word you’ve spoken and every good deed you’ve done today you’ve felt just a little slimmer, a little more attractive. Or if you’ve been lazy, passive-aggressive, or just plain mean you’ve no doubt noticed that your pants are so tight you can hardly breath, your hair is limp and dull, your teeth are yellow, and your complexion is blotchy. By the end of the day today sweet, nice, kind people will all be beautiful; and mean, nasty people will look like trolls. Have a nice day.