Tag Archives: pain

What Did YOU Learn in February?

February is my least favorite month. Always has been. Yes, it’s the shortest month, but it always manages to pack a lot of punch.
grief
I grieved a lot this February. I grieved the loss of friendships. I thought I winnowed out long ago all the people who were only my friends when they needed something from me, or when they could use me. Sadly, I’m more naive than I thought I was. On the other hand, I enjoy doing things for other people, and I’m so out-of-the-loop socially that I often don’t even know when someone uses me as a scapegoat in their own manipulations. That part doesn’t bother me so much. Anyone who really knows me is well aware of what I would or would not say or do. If they don’t know me that well then their opinion of me is irrelevant.

But it still hurts when someone you care about, someone you’ve prayed for and lost sleep over suddenly becomes a person you’re unable to trust. There are many, many things I can forgive. But I’m not stupid, and I don’t quickly forgive wrongs done to me or my immediate family. There are times that trust needs to be earned.

Winter is always hard for me. Even with my Happy Light every single morning it’s hard. I had a psychiatrist appointment in February, and after I’d sat in his uncomfortable waiting room chairs for TWO HOURS, without my pain meds because they weren’t due any time near my appointment (but were, by then, past due) he opened the door and called me back. The waiting room was stuffed with patients, all waiting for him, many with chronic pain issues similar to mine. We’d all had time to chat. I stumbled to my feet, raised my hands, and shouted, “Hallelujah!” No, not the most subtle approach. And it earned me not a promise to be more prompt, but an increase in my anti-depressant dosage and a quicker follow-up appointment. Which he will, again, be late for. And I will, again, be in pain for.

I also saw a new Internal Medicine doctor in February. My current insurance refuses to cover the physician who’s been seeing me since 1988, so I had to pick a new one. Thankfully, he’s a physician I know and like. Unfortunately, he is not comfortable writing the pain medications I have been on since 2009. So I can wait 6-8 months for a new patient appointment at a pain management office downtown (where I know no one and am not at all comfortable driving with my severely limited range of motion in my neck) or I can keep paying 100% out-of-pocket to my out-of-network doctor who has known me for years. I’m just trying to keep a roof over our heads and the lights and water on and the insurance companies play these nonsensical games. It’s an evil thought, but I’d like just one of the insurance people to feel the pain I feel – just for one day.

So I suppose this February has taught me to love those people who love me as I am – not for what I can do for them, or what use they have for me.  The high points? A wonderful baby shower for my eldest niece, and a surprise fiftieth birthday party for a friend – they were spectacular!!

Want to read or link up to this week’s writing prompts? Check out Mama Kat every Thursday!

Getting Better All The Time

— 1 —

This is a big week. Catherine (my DIL) had an important interview yesterday, and Aaron presents his capstone project today. They graduate very soon, and I can’t believe they’ve been away at college four years already! I’m so excited about the changes they’ll see in their lives as they reap the benefits of their years of hard work 🙂

— 2 —

John’s got some excitement going on as well – tryouts on Monday for the position on tenors for next year’s marching band that he wants so much and has been practicing hard to earn.

— 3 —

We had a wonderful Easter visit with Dad and Edie – my city dogs got to pretend they were farm dogs (except they were on long leads to prevent stupid and fatal mistakes) and we were able to sit and talk and laugh – something everyone needs more of. I got a second helping Wednesday night with a group of old friends, and then with Mom and Greg. Laughing until your face hurts is the way it ought to be done – and on a regular basis!

— 4 —

After long talks with my physical and mental health care providers I’m moving in a new direction in the management of my pain and my overall personal health. I’ll be blogging about it in the months to come, but right now I’m taking the painful “before” pictures and taking careful notes on my daily activity limits, symptoms, and pain levels. Here’s a link to an old report about the tools I’ll be using. It’s from before they were even being tested on humans, let alone available to the public!

— 5 —

My visit with my therapist was extremely productive this week – I just need to work a little harder on asking for and accepting help. I’m getting there, though!

— 6 —

I can’t do long walks, but short ones are irresistible this time of year, with the perfect weather and all the plants and trees blooming. One of by top ten regrets with my disability is that I can’t walk our dogs. When I borrow a dog, though . . .

winnie

Isn’t she adorable? Some of the other pics from this walk went into the “before” file – namely the ones Michael shot from behind me – YIKES!!

— 7 —

Please stop by and visit Dianna today at The Kennedy Adventures – I’m guest posting and sharing recipes!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

The Good, the Bad, and the Yummy

— 1 —

Last Saturday I went to reconciliation.  I hadn’t been in years.  My sins were so trivial I figured God and I could work it all out between us in prayer.  But this sin was a big one, probably the biggest unless you happen to be a serial killer.  So I really felt a need to talk through it with a priest.  I wanted the comfort of church, but I didn’t feel right taking communion with this darkness on my soul.  So I did it, face-to-face with a priest I’d never met and a purse stuffed with handkerchiefs.  It was a wonderful experience.  One of the many insights I took away from my time in the confessional was a suggestion from the priest to “not waste my pain” – to try to help others who may be going through the same experience.  I took that to heart and was very active in my Intense Outpatient Therapy, which was in a group setting.  I’m also planning on attending a Chronic Pain Support Group once a month and meeting with a couple of other women I met in therapy to continue working on issues specific to us.  And, of course, I’m sharing on my blog.  If I can help just one person who is dealing with depression and/or chronic pain it’s worth it.

— 2 —

My outpatient group therapy is finished, and I have the first of many meetings with my personal therapist scheduled early next week.  The group dynamic was much more helpful than I ever would have imagined, but I’m looking forward to dedicating some time to learning to accept myself the way I am.

— 3 —

I got the most wonderful text from my daughter-in-law on Valentine’s Day.  She said, “He’s an awesome husband. Thanks for raising such a great man :)”  How’s that for a big ol’ stamp of approval on my parenting skills (and Michael’s of course!)?  That’s one of the goals all boy-moms are working toward.

— 4 —

I got a letter from a new company that will be handling my Medical Leave of Absence (and, therefore, my right to continue purchasing insurance for myself and my family through my last employer).  So that makes three, yes three, different entities that I have to contact every time I see a doctor, change a medication, or have a test or treatment.  And, of course, they all want documentation, which they are apt to lose at least once no matter what method I use to send it. *sigh*

— 5 —

I went to my chiropractor for a regularly scheduled check and adjustment, and not only was my herniated disc space back out of alignment, but x-rays showed I’d messed up C1-C2 as well (probably during the whole CPR-EMS-ER episode) which leaves me with only one cervical disc space I haven’t messed up yet.  I’m seeing my neurosurgeon this coming week as well, just to prove to all interested parties (see above) that I am not a surgical candidate.

— 6 —

I DVRd all the Olympic coverage and fast-forwarded through everything else just so I wouldn’t miss a minute of ice-dancing.  It cracks my husband up.  I’m like my mom watching a UK basketball game.  I know every pair, their strengths and weaknesses, their past performances.  I critique the costumes mercilessly, and call a less-than-perfect twizzle before the announcers.  I’m already looking forward to the 2018 games 🙂

— 7 —

I have a new favorite snack.  My friend MaryJo sent me a sweet card in the mail along with a package of these:
chocolate
I can’t even describe how wonderful they are!  And as a bonus, I don’t even have to share them! “Dark chocolate!” I announced.  “Yuck,” mumbled John.  “And pomegranate!” I squealed, ripping open the package.  “Ick,” said Michael.  Oh, yeah.  All. Mine.  Thanks, MJ!!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

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