We’ve all been getting those computerized calls from political candidates, right? Even an occasional one from a live person? Well, I got home from picking up John at school and there was a message on my machine from a pleasant-voiced woman who wanted to “AXE” me to vote for a particular candidate. It was someone I’d never heard of, and her message didn’t even say what he was running for, but I wrote the name down just so I could make sure and remember not to vote for him since he or someone on his staff had such poor judgement they’d selected a woman who couldn’t pronounce “ask” to make phone calls.
Even after deleting it I couldn’t get the call out of my mind. If I’d been home and had answered the phone would she have discussed whether my appropriate polling place this year was the church gym or the school “LIE-BERRY”? Or maybe she’d have asked if I’d seen her candidate’s “PITCHERS” on his yard signs? Thankfully, I don’t think she could have worked “ORIENTATE” into the conversation. Otherwise my head would have exploded.
In other words, yes, I will be the little old lady in the nursing home who corrects everyone’s grandchildren’s grammar and pronunciation, and will probably die of a stroke after someone says “ain’t” in my presence one too many times.
I tried again today to get in touch with the pain management doc to whom my neurosurgeon referred me. The first time I got hung up on. The second time once I got a human she asked for my full name and home telephone number, and then said, “So, you need a prescription or an appointment or what?” I paused, and the silence was filled with the sound of her chewing. I don’t know if it was gum, her lunch, or the severed limb of one of her co-workers. I explained I’d been referred by my neurosurgeon several weeks ago and was still waiting to get an appointment. She made me spell my neurosurgeon’s name four times (it only has four letters) and said cheerfully, “OK, honey, I’m sure somebody will call you back with an appointment.” I’m not so sure.
While I was on the phone with the pain management office my disability insurance company was trying to call me. They left a message, but I couldn’t hear most of it because we are having a wind storm and I have above-ground phone lines. So I called back and my case manager informed me I was approved for Extended Medical Leave (this means I get to keep buying insurance coverage) until March of 2013. Confused, I pulled out the letter I’d gotten from him a few days ago saying I had to have a stack of forms filled out by my doctor (yeah, the one I can’t get an appointment with) by November first or risk my leave ending. He said, “Oh, just ignore that.” Proof positive they are sending out forms solely to annoy the hell out of me.
Wednesday John has a Quick Recall match all the way across town. By that I mean the team needs to leave the minute school is out, pile into mom-mobiles, and zoom out of the parking lot to get there before the match starts. You see the problem with this if you have a school-age child – carpool. That special circle of Hell reserved for parents of school-age children and designed to suck up as much of their time and patience as possible. So I asked John to have the teacher who’s their Quick Recall coach call me so I could find out how best to plan the loading of my car and my subsequent quick get-away. She explained that the lane on the right is for carpool, and the lane on the left is kept free, so I should be able to pull into that one, load up the tweens, and zip right on out. Uh-huh. I know all about carpool rules and the regularity with which they are broken. Wednesday’s gonna be ugly, folks. I’m fully expecting to forfeit the match and take the kids to DQ for Blizzards instead.
I was feeling guilty about not having my Halloween decorations out in the yard get, but now I’m glad I’ve been lazy. The high winds would have blown all the fake bones, webbing, and blood splatter at least three houses away.
I do have my Halloween costume all ready, and I’ll have Michael drag the heavy (real) cauldron onto the front porch when he gets home Wednesday and fill it with dry ice. Then I’ll put on Alan Parsons Project’s Tales of Mystery and Imagination, pour a glass of wine, and be the coolest witch on the block.
Hopefully I’ll have candy to give away. I bought Halloween candy today for the third, maybe fourth time. I’d buy it because it was on sale and I had coupons, then we’d eat it, then I’d buy more, then we’d eat it. You know how this goes. I thought maybe I’d freeze it to keep myself from eating it, but have you tried a frozen Snickers bar? It really rocks.
I think it might be best for all concerned it the wind took down my phone lines for a couple of days – that phone’s been nothing but trouble lately. And how about we move Halloween to Tuesday so I have less time to eat the candy and nothing to think about on Wednesday except getting a carload of kids across town and back without running down some soccer mom in carpool? Yeah, if you haven’t heard from me in a few days you’ll know what happened.
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