You know I love you guys and I don’t want you to be left out in the cold when this new item hits the shelves, so I’m telling you about it now. Go ahead and add yourselves to the waiting list, and reserve several. What is it? The Translator Muzzle. I identified the need for this bit of technology the other day at work. My boss called and relayed a request from a physician that I thought was a tad bit unreasonable. Since I’m a wee bit on edge what with the weather being horrific, the company I work for being in the middle of a transition to a new owner, one full year of moderate-to-severe neck pain, and welts covering my body from a mystery rash, I replied, “NO F*&^%ing way! Tell him he can KISS MY A#$!” My boss, being a truly considerate person, translated this into something along the lines of, “Doctor, sir, Angie would love to help you out, but there’s just no possible way she can fit that into her schedule today.” Or something equally appropriate and respectful. Therefore, I still have a job. See how this works? Since not everyone has someone like my boss to run interference for them, I am in the process of perfecting the Translator Muzzle.
It fits comfortably over one’s nose and mouth and comes in several fashion colors, or can be matched to your flesh tone to appear less obtrusive. The situations in which this device proves useful are numerous – let me give you just a few examples:
“That getup looks like it should be on a ‘ho about three sizes smaller than you!” becomes “What a lovely outfit. That color certainly becomes you!”
“”GET OFF ME! Jesus Christ, can I not even go to the bathroom without you pawing at me and whining?” becomes “Sweetheart, Mommy needs a little private time right now. Use your big boy words and we’ll read a book together when I come out!”
“Did you mother drop you on your head as a baby? How in the HELL can you not know how to do laundry after fifteen years of marriage?” becomes “Thank you so much for helping out around the house. I really appreciate it, and I’ll show you JUST how much later!”
In the car:
“You stupid M*&^%R F@#$%R!!” becomes “Have a nice day!”
And the most popular use of the Translator Muzzle at work: “You are a complete and total idiot.” becomes “What an interesting idea.”
I’m just perfecting the last details before we go into production (like how to make it work), so don’t wait! Reserve yours today! And post in the comments section what situation YOU feel is the best test of the Translator Muzzle‘s abilities, and you may win a starring role in our upcoming infomercial!