Why I am NOT Mom of the Year

The Mommyologist and Life Without Pink are co-hosting “NOT Mom of the Year” this week, and I’ve enjoyed reading everyone else’s posts so much I just had to join in. I admit I feel a little guilty, though, because I am the PERFECT recipient of this award. You name a parenting challenge and I’ve failed it, often quite spectacularly.

I set the standard before my first child was even born. Other moms were eating healthy foods and exercising during their pregnancies. I craved raw red meat and the only exercise I got was picking fights with total strangers. Yeah, those pregnancy hormones are fabulous. This probably explains why my kids are seven years apart. I went back to work full-time when he was six weeks old – no cushy FMLA leave back then – put him in daycare with total strangers and hoped they wouldn’t involve him in any Satanic rituals right away. Breastfeeding and cloth diapers didn’t make it past the three-month mark since I got a new job where even bathroom breaks were frowned on, so taking a 20-minute break to pump was out of the question.

Ah, potty training. This is where it gets REALLY ugly. Has anyone read the book “Potty Training in Less Than a Day” (or something close to that)? It should have been titled “How to Guarantee Your Child Needs Therapy for the Rest of Their Life”. I tried it, of course. NOT good.

I sent him to daycare KNOWING he was probably coming down with something, but hoping I could get through more than half the workday so I wouldn’t have to use up my vacation time. I lied about his vaccinations. I selected his school partially based on the cute uniforms. I let him eat raw cookie dough and soft-boiled eggs.

Then when he was seven, the little brother he had prayed for came along. By this time I was an experienced mom and knew that an occasional dose of benadryl for the child when Mommy REALLY needed some sleep was reasonable, as was handing a child a jar of peanut butter and a spoon if that was the closest I was going to come to a home-cooked meal that night. And I’m talking Jif people, not even the “all-natural, no preservatives” stuff. I’ve used Febreeze and a damp cloth on uniform pants instead of doing laundry. I have bought Pinewood Derby cars online instead of actually making them with my child.

I chaperoned one field trip with each child. It was the year Aaron was in seventh grade and John was in Kindergarten. Aaron’s field trip was to an art museum and I was assigned a group of six girls. I called a halt to the tour half way through because the girls were being such bitches to the sweet, elderly docent. I gave them a little “come to Jesus” talk that I’m sure was reported to their parents (in an enhanced version) later that day. John’s field trip was to a farm. I had five boys and I lost one. The brat showed up before the bus left, but I decided I wasn’t cut out to be a chaperon.

I put it my time with both boys at Cub Scout Camp. I don’t know the words to the worm song, I can’t do the chants without sounding sarcastic, and when I try to tie the beads on the lanyards they always fall off. They tried to make me Camp Nurse once until I said I wasn’t impressed with an injury or illness unless someone was unconscious, spurting blood, or had a fever above 102.5. Critical care nurses don’t make good camp nurses. Oh, and while I’m on the topic, taking your kid off his ADD meds for the summer and then sending him to camp that involves BB guns and archery is a BAD idea. You WILL meet the camp nurse, and she will not be happy.

I’ve saved the best for last. This is the crowning jewel in my “NOT Mom of the Year” crown. My children watch Family Guy.
It appalls me. I can’t sit through ten minutes of it. It’s completely inappropriate, and not just for kids. It just shouldn’t be on the air. But I’m just too freakin’ tired after a long day at work to pull out the board games every night. And how do you think blog posts get written around here? With Family Guy in the background and Ale8 and Little Debbie cakes being consumed by the children.
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48 thoughts on “Why I am NOT Mom of the Year”

  1. See all those books don't know what they're talking about. You did every thing wrong and still came out with the two sweetest, nicest guys in the world.

  2. Ugh potty training is the worse ever! Especially with boys and cleaning up pee from all over the toilet and floor, yuck!

    This is such a great post I was cracking up!

    Thanks for linking up!

  3. I LOVE it!!! You are SO Not Mom of the Year!! I sent my little guy to preschool once this year even though he said his tummy hurt because I had a hair appointment. They called me while I was in the shampoo chair because he was puking at school. I picked him up with a wet head. Total Mom Fail.

    Loved all of your reasons and I'm so excited that you entered!!

  4. i love this!! It was too funny but you know we can relate 🙂
    I am puttin B in daycare and I chose it because it was free.. i sure hope the satanic rituals arent a common thing LOL

  5. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

    Oh my Gawd I needed to read this!!!

    You are fantastic. Great post!

    (Thanks for the birthday wishes too :-> )

  6. BWAAHHAHAHAHAH! Dear Lord, for a moment I was thinking you'd put a bug in the house!

    I'm the one who NEVER goes on a fieldtrip as I cannot fight the urge to slap some kid up the back of the head. Oh, and I totally pull the peanutbutter with a spoon JUST SO THEY ARE QUIET! Sheesh. Mommy needs her whiskey and quiet time!

  7. Camp nurse would not be for me either. My kids have to find their own bandaids if they think they are hurt. Thanks for the laughs. You're my kind of mom.

  8. OMG! I may have a hubby who does the cleaning, but this is also so me!! I have attended 1 field trip in my three childrens lives! ONE! I hated it. I threatened to take the 5 yr olds candy if they were mean to the Easter bunny. The teacher gave me the evil eye!

    I love Family guy! So does my 5 yr old! LOL!!!!!!

  9. I love your list! SO funny! And so close to home. I'm sure that as my kid(s) get older I will be living some of these moments…especially in regard to chaperoning field trips! I can't stand snatchy little girls (hence the reason I cried when I found out I was having one).

  10. I used the M&M method of potty training with the first; that didn't work with the second; the 3rd potty trained himself; the 4th got a little red shiny new flyer tricycle; and, the 4th? I don't remember – I just remember being finished with 12 years in diapers!

    My 3 oldest sons love Family Guy – but they don't watch it on t.v. – the oldest ones bought the dvd! Sigh! I never have seen it, though!

  11. Wonderful post. I had to show this to my daughter (now 23) for her reaction. You hit some points that really made her laugh. We actually did have the "right" kind of peanut butter; I kept a pathetic list of all the field trips I helped on, as if that would atone for all my other shortcomings as a good mother; and if Nathaniel didn't make a pinewood derby car, he just didn't enter the race. Meanwhile, my daughter passed out Valentines 2 days late one year, because I missed the note about when the party was. We let the day care center take care of potty training. And, my son loves Family Guy, too. My daughter says, however, the most important thing is that she knows I love her, and I know your boys know that you love them. I'm pretty sure your own boys would rate you Mom of the Year, and that's what counts. Have a wonderful week.

  12. New fan here…

    LOL! We may be kin folk. My mom used to always tell us that she wouldn't even entertain the idea of us staying home from school sick unless we had a temp of 110 and she couldn't stop the blood.

    Great post!

  13. You my friend, are freaking awesome!!! I love the post and I am so glad I came across your awesomely funny blog.

  14. I do Febreeze, I drop off kids and hold my breath that no one calls. I say "so what" to the face that they watch Family Guy.

    SOoo pumped we connected from NOT mom of the Year. It's soo nice to know we're not alone, right?

  15. HAHA! Hilarious!!!
    Love it.
    Especially the Family guy part. I have been known to let my kids watch BArt simpson who also is inappropiate at times..
    My motto–don't fight it, if they are quiet then go with it.
    congrats on being a finalist!

  16. Ahahaha, I used to watch the pregnancy exercise videos while eating chips on the couch. We would be great friends. Following you!

  17. Hi, just stopped over to wish you luck again. I liked this post the first time around, too.

    It really shows what "real momming" it is like…

    Great work, I'm proud to be in the finals with a post like this.

  18. LOL! That’s awesome. What great stories! And good fo you for giving the little teenage monsters a “come to Jesus” meeting. I’m SURE they deserved it!

    Off ADD meds and on to BB guns and archery. Oy vey!

  19. I’m pretty sure we’re kindred spirits. I used to do many of the same things. Except, I do know the words to the worm song and I loved field trips with the kids. Seriously, I used to take vacation days to go with them. Crazy right?

  20. LOL!!! This is hilarious. We all have flaws….I’m sure your kids would crown you mother of the year and that’s all that counts 🙂 I also love that you selected his school partially because of the uniforms, LOL! You are awesome. Congrats again on your SITS day, you deserve it!

  21. I’m right up there with checking up on em. You just know if they’re too quiet they are probably up to no good and should go check on em but hey… they’re being quiet right? Time to read a couple more pages of book and deal with the fallout later!

    Happy SITS day!

  22. OMGosh- I think you and I took the same parenting class!!!! I think I’m practically your twin separated at birth. I LOVE your blog. I’m here from SITS- Congrats. I am following and can’t wait to be your fav follower!!!

  23. Awesome post. I really think that everyone has times where they take shortcuts or do something other people might not deem right when it comes to parenting. I think you have to do it to keep your sanity! 😛

  24. Nice writing, and loving the anti-good-mother vibe. Yep, that would be me too. And it feels lonely out here! So thank you for lending support to all of us who were deffo not born to parent. Happy SITS day, and keep up the good work.

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